Looking Out For No. 1: 1977

When I was a kid growing up in the late 70s, I would notice a stack of self-help books left next to the toilet in my mother’s bathroom – a place she (and let’s admit, many of yous) enjoyed reading.

During that time – a time I severely disliked her – I couldn’t help but think about how sickly ironic it all was. I mean, she was probably just trying to improve herself like any of us. And knowing what I know now about her life, she did not think well of herself at all, but during that time when I was a preteen, I could not think of a more self-centered person on the face of the Earth. And unfortunately, this too was partially true despite her mental illness et al. Yet, here were books with titles like, How to Be Your Own Best Friend, I’m OK – You’re OK, A Guide to Rational Living, and the icing on the cake: Looking Out for No. 1. Number one!? Boy did that piss me off. If that wasn’t a person who didn’t think she wasn’t number one, but rather the only one…

Well, I digress. Just a little.

Here I am at 44. Now I can see how that book might be of some use! Ha! And now I remember what brought me to write this. Today is my first day of a long, artful meditation. I wasn’t expecting realizations. But here’s one. A motto of mine has always been – in terms of others: Understand, Accept, Forgive. NEVER did I even think to do this for myself. And of course I never thought to do it for myself before the other person. Ummm Duh!

Me first!

The Paradox of Work and Work

What do I mean by that? Well, there is the finished work of art itself, and then there is all the work that goes into making it:

The grunt work, like prepping, priming/gessoing, or maybe stretching the canvas. Perhaps ordering the sizes you want from the canvas maker. The sanding and sealing of panels — all in which are a kind of methodical, meditative process, or a giant pain in the ass, depending on how you look at it. There is also the menial work of rounding up the supplies you will need to make what you have been thinking about, which brings us to:

The strategies and ways you go about forming ideas for paintings. This is another kind of meditation. They might come from dreams, clever anecdotes, real or fantasy scenery or persons, abstract or surreal feelings and a way to use color to get all this across. All this shit takes a massive amount of thinking and meditation. It’s similar to a book I once read called Mount Analogue: Climbing a mountain in your mind so to speak, and making it real as you go along. Sometimes it comes really easily. Sometimes it takes a boat load of preliminary drawings, mixtures of ideas on paper, sketchbooks, etc., time ticking away for a while. It’s hard to say exactly, but you can’t force it. You can only do – something else – in the interim.

Then, do I even want to start talking about the actual application of painting? It’s such a sacred, intimate and even private subject, I shouldn’t dare. Besides, I’m not painting anything right now. I’m in meditation mode. I’m drawing. I’m prepping. Over the last few days, I have been sanding and sealing six small birch panels. I am hoping I have just applied that last coat, but we’ll see in the morning.

panels

I just got this great new Dewalt palm sander which is making my whole life easier, not that using the block sander was so much work or anything, but the Dewalt sure makes it so severely even that I just might get away with three coats of sealer rather than four or five.

cuttersander

Also in that picture is my new Ingento paper cutter! mjp found it for a steal on Ebay! We are quite excited about it. Makes for better book making and paper chopping!

Anyway,  back to my 20 x 20 inch panels. I’ve also decided to change my sealant mixture today, which for some might seem like blasphemy! From now on, instead of a 2 to 1 mixture, I’m going half shellac and half DH alcohol. It makes for a smoother, more even application, IMHO. I like it better. If you are going to follow my advice (which you never should) seal the back first with a more shellacy mixture and the first coat of the front and sides, then add more denatured alcohol as you go along with each coat with a light, even sanding between each coat. You should be able to get away with four coats that way.

Here’s the other two:

other2

Like I said, I’ve been drawing a lot. Lately it has been my most honest work. That and my very last oil painting. The pink one. This one:

inmydreamsdickboat

I did a little experiment and went through 100 paintings of mine – that I actually liked – and wrote down WHAT I liked about them. There were many repeating elements and I was left with a list of 21 things. I was then able to turn the 21 into 10 (just by wording it differently) and I am pinning it up in my studio to use as a jumping off point. In fact, I should title it SPRINGBOARD! So I think I am just clearing and cleaning up my spiritual clutter (I can’t believe I just used that wording) so I can begin some intense study and focus on my work. I’ve had a LOT that has been holding me back.

Mentally, I have been a mess. Some of my medications have ceased to offer me emotional benefits and I am in the middle of changing quite a few of them at the same time. It has been rough. This comes at the tail end of a bunch of drama with my best friend. 34 years of trust and a kind of amazing strength just broken, shattered into little shards of glass that slice me open at the slightest, unwitting movements I made. I had to make a decision to stop getting so unbelievably HURT, so I took myself out of that picture. And then, this week, I decided to leave my eight year relationship with the George Billis Gallery – I mean, without drama or burning any bridges. He gave me a lot of opportunity and I will always appreciate that, but I just left. And now I am on my own.

Now, I just want to see what my art begins to look like out here in no-man’s land. Should be interesting to get to know myself again.

 

Palm Springs Fine Art Fair: I’m Getting Bored

Saturday, and I’m getting bored. Nope, I’m actually a little depressed. Well, it’s not so much that I’m depressed than I am miserable.

I had to change rooms at my motel. There were four rooms right next to me, both on the first and second floors, filled with a bunch of fraternity kids that were LOUD and partying ALL NIGHT LONG and through to the next morning. Next door, on the other side of me, lived a lady with many dogs that needed to be groomed (including the lady) and most visibly her teeth, as she had very few of them. The frat kids made friends with her, perhaps to buy meth, and were talking in groups with her outside my door, which had been broken into at some point in the past. Part of the door had been kicked in, so light shined in on the lower half of where the door should have been shut all the way. It needed to be slammed hard in order to lock it or even close it.

I didn’t sleep much Friday night, but I got up on Saturday morning at 7:45 anyhow to meet Tressa for breakfast at a nice little place across the street called Rick’s. It was good. I tried to gently push for her to place my work somewhere more prominent in the booth for the day. Friday, only one piece was hung – kinda. It was low on a wall — behind a wall – where no one could possibly see it. The other one was still wrapped right next to it because that was the little storage space behind that particular wall. She assured me she was going to move everything around before 10:am and my work would be in a better place. I mostly cared about the one I had framed nicely the week before. I thought it looked pretty good in the frame.

behind

After breakfast I went back to my room and it was pleasantly quiet, so I took myself a nappie pie. My new room wasn’t going to be ready until after 5:00 and I wouldn’t be back from the fair until after 8:00 anyway. Maybe even later because I kind of planned on hanging out with Tressa if she wanted to, after she was finished working.

Friday night I met with some of my dearest and oldest friends that live there in Palm Springs. They live about three miles from the convention center. They made me a beautiful dinner and yelled at me about being in a motel in the first place. I promised I would never do it again and had learned my lesson. From now on I stay with them when I go there. We had a great time and talked and I was reminded how so very lucky I was to have such amazingly giving people as friends.

But back to Saturday. I put on the best clothes I have, which is not saying much. Well, wait, yeah it is! My $100 pants, Calvin Klein blazer, $300 shoes and a J Crew blouse…not bad for a schlub that usually wears Levis and a t-shirt most days. I have to say though, I’m always in expensive shoes, even when they look like shit. A long time ago I changed the way I shopped. I stopped buying cheap stuff. I buy what I like no matter what it costs, I just have a very small wardrobe, which is fine with me because a) I hate shopping, and 2) I don’t like having too many choices when getting dressed.

So I “dressed up,” got into the little, white Fiat, and got to the Palm Springs Convention Center right at 3:00pm, just in time for Andi Campognone’s guided tour and lecture, which I find out very quickly is basically for total art novices. I realized, right after she brings the group to the first work of art (a video piece), that this tour is going to bore me to death, but I so wanted to talk to Andi.

centerenter

Years ago, when Andi was the curator at the Riverside Art Museum, she picked me as one of the artists for a very cool group exhibition called Material Girls. The show was amazing and I was really proud to have been invited to be part of that. The Riverside Art Museum is SUCH a beautiful building. I was blown away. The only downside was that it was Andi’s last show there before Peter Frank took over her position and I was not able to meet her. I talked to her on the phone and I have been emailing her off and on all these years since, but I still have never met her in person, so while the group was observing the video art at the first booth, I took her aside and quickly/quietly introduced myself. She kind of squealed with excitement and told me she was such a fan of my work. Whaaa?! I told her it was I that was the fan of HER work. Before we started to argue over it, I excused myself and suggested we find each other after the lecture and have a cup of coffee. That was the plan anyway. Now Andi is the curator of the Lancaster Museum of Art and History.

Then I went to the Billis booth to see Tressa and the rearrangement of the artwork. I didn’t notice that much of a difference, except my framed piece was now hung on the wall – behind that wall that my other painting was on the back of. Because those two walls were but a couple feet from each other, the framed piece was all in shadow. You could not really see it unless you kind of jimmied yourself back in that storage cubby. You could notice a portion of it if you went towards the back of the booth, but not passing by the booth. I passed by it twice and didn’t see it, didn’t say anything to her because she was closing a sale. But details, details. I was NOT happy. By the time I saw where it was exactly, I was about to burst into tears, but she actually needed a little bit of help wrapping up the painting (a beautiful one by Tom Gregg ) that she just sold. Once that was done, I made sure she didn’t need a bathroom break or anything like that — so I could fly out the door to have a good sob.

shadow

fromthecenter

I was pretty greify for a while, while walking around and looking at art, trying to get inspired. Some things did the job, but most things either did not, or only lifted me briefly. I was killing time, taking pictures here and there, waiting for an artists’ talk with Robert Kelly whom I truly admire. Quite a few of his works were there, as he was actually invited to especially exhibit and appear there at the fair by the Host Committee. In fact they were giving him a special award to honor him during Modernism Week in the city.

art coolpainting hunwall lounge

0625097 a644a83e artwork_images_590_754889_robert-kelly Robert-Kelly

I took a seat in the theater early, in the back of course because that’s what brooding people do. And when it started, the award was given in about two shakes and, before you knew it, Steven Biller (The editor for Palm Springs Life) was already asking him questions. Robert, an extremely articulate man, was able to give long, but not too long, descriptive, and almost scientifically poetic answers to questions. I was fully engaged. I was inspired. It was exactly what I needed right then and there. He took some questions from the audience after that. I did not have any questions ready for him, but I wanted to talk to him. I just wanted to know everything about him. I could have heard him talk about black for hours.

kellytalk

I wound up asking him something via another audience member who asked something about a piece of Robert’s that he owned from 1992. I had wondered what the difference was in style, compared to the pieces at the fair to this particular one, or general pieces from the early 1990s. He told me that he had been working with a mentor back then that was a geologist turned painter and he had a strong influence on him. The work was a lot more painterly and expressive. It has taken him about 20 years to get to the standard he is at today. That just really put things into perspective for me.

We talked for about five minutes after his talk in front of a couple of his larger paintings, and then I thanked him and let him go. I went by the Billis booth and said goodbye to Tressa and let her know I would not be coming by the fair on Sunday. My plan was to leave early and come home.

roadview

That’s what I did. I got up at 7:30 and packed up and was home by 10:00 AM, still a blubbering mess.

First Day in Palm Springies

I arrived pretty late here yesterday, probably a little after 1:00pm, and I had to wait for my room. I got an early check in, but the room was still not quite ready, so I waited in my little, rented white Fiat and texted a few people I needed to for about an hour until it was ready. I knew by the time I got all my stuff into the room and changed my clothes, I’d be too late for Peter Frank’s guided tour, so I skipped that and decided to meet a couple of guys from Stark + Kent, a cool little gallery here I found on Facebook. We have been emailing back and forth for close to a year now. They were very nice, and they also had a beautiful German Shepard named Madelyn. Most of the work in the gallery was of high quality. yet the pricing was reasonable. Two of the artists were very similar in medium and subject matter – male and a female – only the female’s were more subdued and the male’s (I only remember his first name – Arturo) was of more brilliant colors. I could not decide whose I loved more, but they competed against each other and I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing.

The other thing was, they had told me they were not taking on any more artists until the spring, and I noticed a new artists that used garment patterns in her work – much more salable I have to say, so I fully understood. What can ya do?

So then I went to the fair at the convention center, which is magnificent by the way, a beautiful building. I actually tried to take a picture of the amazing entrance, but my stupid, fat fingers got in the way. I am really bad at taking pictures in general, I’ll have you know. On trips, during those great moments in life, of my dog, especially when she does cute things… I’m just not that person. I never care enough to break out my phone or camera in those moments, especially when I see everyone else doing it. Then I really get annoyed.

But I managed to take one pic yesterday of my friend Kelley Reemtsen‘s work at Skidmore Contemporary‘s booth. No one was around. It was convenient, so I did it. These are pastels.

kelley

Then this morning at breakfast with Tressa Williams, the Director of my gallery, George Billis, I took a picture of some mountains over a parking lot.

mountains

But the best picture I’d like to introduce you to is the TV that is in my motel room, circa 1981. It’s a Zenith, and it works about as good as it looks.

tv1980

Road Trip!

Tomorrow morning I am off to Palm Springs for the Palm Springs Fine Art Fair and I have to say, I am kinda excited. My LA gallery, George Billis, is bringing a couple of my pieces to see how they’ll do out there in the desert community. I too am curious, but trying not to be too hopeful.

I got a pretty good deal on a three star hotel, so I’m happy about that. What I’m not happy about is that I took my car into the shop this morning to get my front brake pads switched out, and they found that my master cylinder had some kind of leak in it and the whole thing needed to be replaced. So Pricey! Not only that, they didn’t have the part, so it could not be completed today. Boring story long, I have to rent some kind of little economy clown car for this trip. I hate driving a car I’m not used to, but…at least I don’t have to put the miles on my car. Trying to look on the bright side. That’s hard to do for me! My favorite CDs are in my car, plus I have the room I need for my little suitcase, my guitar, and just all my own little comforts and habits. I have nothing against economic cars, mind you. I have a 4-cylinder too, but it’s a CRV, so it has a lot of room like an SUV. I mean, what if I wanted to buy a huge painting and bring it home? Can’t do that now!

So the show I’m in, Intersecting Paths: Art and Healing, got the top pick in the most recent Jewish Journal. That’s pretty happening, don’t you think? Your name doesn’t have to be Ezra to appreciate that shit. High five me anyhow. It’s a berachah! (A blessing in any language!)

If I can figure out how to work my stupid phone, I will be tweeting from the fair, but if I can’t, I will be going back and forth to my hotel room anyway, so I will also be writing highlights on my blog and re-posting them on Google+, Twitter, and Facebook. Any good art I can take pics on will be going on Pinterest as well. I’ll do my best.

Or I’ll be a lazy son-of-a-bitch and you’ll hear nothing from me.